I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
