Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
