Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
