Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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