he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
