Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
