everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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