She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
