I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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