just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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