Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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