Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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