Someone shit on the floor
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
