So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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