i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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