I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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