After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
