i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
