So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
