K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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