I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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