Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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