I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize