I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
