everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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