its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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