all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
