y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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