First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
