So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
