theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
