John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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