I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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