I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
