I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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