She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
