Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
