i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize