if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
