After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
