Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
