Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
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