Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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