never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
