Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
