Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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