my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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