there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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