Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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