I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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