When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
