i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
