I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize