So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I want her autograph on my taint
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
