NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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