life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
