when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
