i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
